Fitness and Depression

If this was youtube, this would be titled "Story Time!" and would possibly be the brunt of many memes. You have been warned.

So yes, I will poke fun at people who's instagram posts are made up entirely of "gains" pictures, as you probably could have guessed from my previous post. But my relationship with health and fitness it a bit more complicated than that.

Like most girls, when I hit my tween years, my obsession with my body grew immensely. I needed to be thinner. I needed to be prettier. I needed to get rid of my persistent acne. And although it was mentally and emotionally a very unhealthy attitude, it had yet to really impact me on a physical level.

This continued into my teen years, but as I got older, it resulted in my taking more drastic measures to achieve my goals. I would go on detoxes, plan exercise schedules, go on different diet plans and tried to cut down my calorie intake as much as possible. But my breaking point came the summer before my junior year of high school.

What I didn't know at the time was that I was severely depressed. I had chosen to ignore the fact that I would scratch myself so I could feel some sort of sensation that wasn't nothingness, and I pushed aside the fact that I had a plan for my own suicide. And instead, I threw myself whole heartedly into dieting and exercising.

There were days I ate nothing at all, some times as a cry for help and other days as a desperate attempt to bring the number down on the scale. I would count calories as if they were sinful, and while I generally did not skip eating entirely, my relationship with food became toxic.

With everything in my life becoming dark and painful, I threw myself whole heartedly in exercising as well. I did not do so dangerously on a physical level, but I did all for the wrong reasons. Instead of being a release, it was another time I could scrutinize my body, comparing how I looked in spandex compared to everyone else. I would weigh myself every day, and my mood would be entirely based on what I saw on the scale. I felt euphoric every time the number dropped, it was a like a drug that I didn't want to stop taking.

But, before I became anywhere near dangerously thin, I fell into a different depressive phase that caused me to eat more.

I got help for my depression, and ever since then, it's been hard to follow a diet and exercise regiment. I was most successful at losing weight when I hated myself--but I now know that it is much better to have a few extra pounds and be happy than to look like a supermodel and be suicidal.

So yes, it's true, exercising produces dopamine which can produce a feeling of happiness. But happiness in itself isn't so cut and dry, and when people tote the idea that working on a "better you" will enable you to live a more fulfilling life, that can be complete and total baloney. For me, my journey into fitness and health did anything but that.

So don't ever let anyone shame you into thinking you have to dive into health fads, and don't use your body as a bargaining tool for happiness. You are beautiful, and while I will say "Go get it!" if you decide to pursue fitness goals, please be safe and only do it if you are already in a mentally healthy state. Seek counseling if you feel hopeless and depressed about your body; a diet and exercise aren't going to resolve the feelings inside you, because you will never be good enough in your own eyes (even though you are so good enough!)

Keep taking care of yourselves, dreamers

#fitness #depression #balance