today i (hit a low)

Today I hit a low.

It began when I was driving to school. The day had started out normal. Get out of bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, get ready, get in the car and go.

So I went. And somewhere along the way, on some stretch of highway, anxiety starting welling up until it burst every damn I had constructed in my mind to stop it.

I don't know why I started feeling anxious. I didn't even know what I was anxious about when I was feeling it. All I know is I started spiraling fast. My world was pressing into me, and I was drowning.

I parked my car in the parking lot of my school's diner, and I just sat there. Then I started crying out to God. I told Him I couldn't do it any more. I told Him I didn't want to do it any more. I told Him all I wanted was to go home.

My home has never been on earth. I wanted to die.

There was no reason for me to feel this way in that particular moment, except that now my damns had burst, and every mistake was playing on a loop in my mind. I realized how inadequate and how sinful, and, in that moment, how useless I thought I was.

So I prayed some more. And then I switched on my Bible app, which happened to be set to Ephesians 2. While this is certainly a powerful passage, it did not spark some revival in me. It didn't miraculously fix my damns. I was still drowning.

Beloveds, the Bible is truly a two edged sword. But sometimes you need to quiet yourself before it can truly penetrate to your heart.

I walked to class. I felt numb. And I sat in class with my good friend, trying to listen but feeling as though I was underwater, and everything was distorted. My heart was pounding, and all I could think about was how I wasn't good enough. It got to the point where I felt an urge I hadn't felt in a while. I wanted to cut myself. I don't know if I would have been strong enough to resist, but I never got the opportunity to self harm.

After class, I hung out with my good friend. We played games. We laughed. And, if I couldn't fix my damns, I found I could swim.

We went to a yoga class, and then we split. I went home. I felt better.

I am okay.

Sometimes I have days like this. Maybe you still have days like this too. But days like this are starting to get farther apart, and they don't last as long. I am better at coping. They seem awful in the moment, but I always know I will see the other side.

Tonight I am throwing myself at the throne of God. Tonight I am rededicating myself to daily communicating with my Comforter. Tonight, I know I cannot end this once and for all. Tonight, I know I will have more days like this.

But tonight, I know I am surrounded by people and a God who loves me. Tonight, I know these days will always end.

Beloved, your bad day will end. Your anxiety attack will stop. Your urge to self harm will pass. Your heartbeat will return to normal. You will find more coping mechanisms, your bad days will be further apart, and they will be shorter.

There is a God for you. I am for you.

I am praying for you always, and I want to let you know I love you. This will pass, and I will walk you through every single moment.

Keep taking care of yourselves, dreamers.

#todayi #depression