my success = His goodness

One of my greatest fears has been being a failure. I have so much I want to do in life, and if I don't, what am I even on this planet for?

But when I foolishly am chasing what is nothing more than a wisp of a dream that will fade, I neglect the one thing that is solid, the only surety and the only rock I have in my life.

I wish I could say it was as easy as simple as being so dedicated in my study I forget everything around me. It is far more self absorbed than that--I have been so consumed in me and in my own pleasure that I have failed in cultivating my relationship with God.

For awhile, I thought that perhaps, because I could still do well, than I must be doing okay. In shorts amount of time, I could impress judges in competitions, and I had a quick wit that would destroy my opponent's logic. I could pick out fallacies, construct arguments, and craft solutions to the problems I researched. I must be okay then, right?

But what I have discovered is that the success I have when I am not actively pursuing God says nothing about my own strength, but about His unconditional love, His selfless goodness and His endless grace.

The Bible tells us that God loved us first. Even so, when I selfishly put Him aside, He still loved me. I was still His daughter. And as my Father, He always wanted what was best for me. So that meant, when I was close to breaking, giving me strength when I didn't deserve it. It meant giving me words even though I failed to listen to His. I was like a stubborn child who had run into danger despite my Father's warning, yet when I cried, He still came running and picked me up.

He is not a vindictive God. He has never left us, and always protected us from what could break us. He gave us strength to get through our storms and grace when we disobeyed.

It is a story that is as old as time itself---a God who continuously loved when His creation rebelled, giving freedom when freedom was undeserved. This is so perfectly illustrated in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. His sacrifice was not a reaction to our own outreach--it was not a meeting or a compromise between God and humanity. We had not offered any kind of olive branch. It was totally selfless, the perfect sacrifice.

He did it because we are His children, and He loves us even when we don't reciprocate.

"For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8 (NKJV).

So what I have found is that I shouldn't be afraid. Because somehow, even when I acted out, even when I failed to heed Him, He still loved and protected me. Even when I was not in Him, He always only wanted was best for me. My pride made me want to believe that my success was my own, but the facts prove again and again that I, on my own, am wholly inadequate. But I am never on my own--and that is why I can be enough.

These revelations have shown to me the extent of the Lord's benevolence. Even the most patient and loving of leaders would be justified in leaving the unruly in order to teach them the error of their ways--yet God never willfully leaves us. He may chastise us, but He is also willing to comfort when we are wholly unworthy. His love is infinitely greater than our unfaithfulness, His grace expanding beyond our sin.

I am not afraid, because even if I am an unruly child, I have a Father who is always there to pick me up when I cry.

Keep taking care of yourselves, dreamers.