identity

You and I

Always you and I

And I fear

If Prozac completely washes you away

I’ll end up alone

You are my torment

But you stayed

And I would rather feel you than nothingness

I used to be scared of recovery.

To me, depression was not simply a disorder, it was who I was. If I didn't have depression, than I ceased to be. If I couldn't tell people that I had depression, that I struggled with self harm, that I had suicidal thoughts, than there was nothing to tell about myself, and I didn't know who "myself" was.

I have struggled with finding an identity my entire life. When I was young, my identity was in my creativity--but then I realized my creative writing ability wasn't prodigy level, and then I felt inadequate. In middle school, my identity was in my academics--but then I didn't make the grade, and I was once again inadequate.

But none of that begins to compare with how I felt in my high school years, when I wrote this poem, and I felt that my only identity was in my disorder. People did not simply put a label on me, I took a label, slapped it on myself, and ran with it. Many people who struggle with bipolar disorder or depression say they don't want people to say they are bipolar--because that isn't who they are. They have bipolar disorder. I was the opposite. I invested my entire being into my disorder, depending on it to be my identity. It went so far that I was scared of recovery--if I wasn't depressed, than what was I?

My answer became that my identity was in the only thing that has and always will be a constant in my life--Jesus Christ.

I have written in previous posts regarding my need to be a three dimensional being, and my struggle to overcome my own prejudices about myself. And even then, I was trying to write myself into an identity that I wasn't, trying to choose attributes to define me. But all of these can change--I don't want my crazy college exploits to be who I am when I'm fifty years old.

So then, if my attributes aren't my identity--because they change, and if my disorders aren't my identity--I am a person, not a diagnosis, then my identity is that I am a child of God.

I remember when I was in middle school, my youth group set out to memorize Colossians 3:1-3, "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." We focused on the aspect that we need to set our hearts on things above, and put off our sinful selves. If then, we apply this principle to identity, we must consider, when setting our minds on things above, how much of what we hold dear will pass away.

We need a constant.

So what does that mean for us?

1. You never have to search for identity

We talk a lot about "finding ourselves"--and how horrible the whole situation is when we're going through puberty. But God found you, God put a mark on you, and you don't have to sweat it. You will naturally realize who you are in Christ, and what God has given you to serve Him, by continually obeying Him.

2. You are worth so much!

If your identity is in Christ--the actual Son of God, creator of the universe, who died for you, then you are among the most precious beings in the entire universe.

3. You have been given everything you need!

You have the exact talents you need to serve the purpose you were destined to feel. God's strength makes us more than adequate.

So my advice is don't stress over your identity within yourself. Figure out who you are with others, in your relationships. Try everything to figure out what your gifts are, but don't stress over that either. That's the fun part.

Keep taking care of yourselves, dreamers.

#Christianity #Christianliving #identity #identityinChrist